Whether life’s seasons come to us with ease or pass from us with pain, together, they make up the whole of our life’s story. In His word, God promises that all seasons have a beginning and an end (Eccles 3:1). Such is the case with an adult child caring for a parent. But if we aren’t careful, the season of caring for a loved one can become all-consuming, and we can’t seem to see past where we are. We can easily lose sight of our own identity. No matter what we experience or come up against, we must embrace God’s perspective on permanent and temporary things.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
– Eccles 3:1
All of life is transitory (Psalm 39:4). The heaviness that comes is when we do not recognize what is temporary and that there is some purpose in it. Role reversal with a parent is a temporary season. But as we enter seasons, we need to know what to expect, how to prepare, and consider the knowns and unknowns. When we are within particular seasons, we should pay attention to what has occurred and what could be yet to come.
Some months after our conversation by the lake, Dad’s nights had become days, and days became frustrating. Sadly, since he was not a Christian, when LBD would surface, his depravity became ever more present as he acted out. He became more agitated. A dementia patient may experience behavioral change that fluctuates and can be challenging to manage. One of the hardest things to do is remember that we are responding to a disease, not the person we once were.
In late 2014, he graduated from West Hall to the secure East Hall. It can be difficult to watch our loved ones’ transitions. It’s important we allow ourselves grace as we consider an aging parent. Mom or Dad do not have to be gone from this world to grieve what once was and is no longer. As their children, we should allow ourselves to experience and express our sorrow.
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.
– 1 Tim 5:4
Finding your place in your loved one’s care will require assessing and reassessing. Your involvement in their care will look different as conditions change. When more is required of you, great sources of strength can be found in the Scriptures. With help from God’s Spirit, you can begin to take the focus off yourself while considering the losses your loved one is experiencing. Our imaginations can run rampant, and the messages of this world are the best distractions. God has given his Word that we might dwell in truth:
- Focus on who God is to get you through the hard days (Jer 31:3).
- Read about God’s attributes and his unchanging character (Ps 102:27).
- Depend on His strength and His sovereign grace (2 Cor 12:8-10).
- With each new challenge, recall God’s promises to those who are his (Josh 1:9).
When you dwell in truth, you can joyfully turn aging Christians to the encouragement of worshiping Christ. The future holds resurrected bodies with clear minds. Suffering believers can experience great encouragement; by offering encouragement, so can the adult child.
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
– Phil 2:1-11
Come the summer of 2015, on my 55th birthday, he would transition altogether from the facility Dad had known as home. Dad’s aggressive behavior required that he be transferred to a hospital. Parkinsonism had set in, and it was evident that Dad’s life was coming to a close. After a few weeks, Dad was then transferred to a nursing facility. I read scripture aloud at the bedside, played music he had enjoyed, and talked with Dad, knowing he could not respond. Some days, I was just there as an offering of my presence. I don’t regret one minute I spent with him, not one word I spoke.
That last evening, when Dad’s body labored to breathe, I knew there was no return. No hope. No salvation. But If we’re honest, when we’ve entered their world, we just want the suffering to end. We want our suffering to end. And then, when he was rolled out of the building on that late September evening, Dad had entered eternity without Christ. It’s a complex kind of grief, but God is more significant than our feelings and knows everything (1 John 3:20).
Man is like a mere breath; His days are like a passing shadow.
Psalm 144:4
Dad lived precisely how he had chosen to live until LBD took away his freedoms. But I can have confidence that his days on the calendar were numbered by God himself (Job 14:5, Ps 139), and I know God’s timing is always perfect (2 Pet 3:8, Dan 4:32). God was patient with Dad. God had a purpose in each and every day.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
– Ps 139:16
The truth is, even though this was Dad’s journey, it was one I took with him. Along the way, God taught me many things about honoring our parents and about the frailty of life. He taught me about myself, about what is right in God’s eyes, and about the effects of sin. But most of all, God taught me about Himself. He taught me about his faithfulness to sustain me, his unchanging character, and his comforting presence.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
– 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
When we’ve poured so much of ourselves into caring for a loved one, where do we find identity when the journey ends? Who we are matters, but whose we are is what matters most. God tells me in his Word that my name is written in the book of life (Ephesians 1:3-6; Rev. 3:5). My identity is not found in the futile things of this world.
What is the purpose of life, then? To bring glory to God. If I am a Christian, my identity is found in Jesus Christ. When we end seasons, we need to learn how to let go and prepare for the next season. He is progressively sanctifying me in these hard moments, and as one season ends, God has work for me in the new season (Ephesians 2:10). I grasp it and run because time is fading. I strive to honor my God and to bring him glory.
Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.
– 1 Thess 5:23-24
How do we understand our fleeting condition on this earth? Our life “appears for a little time and then vanishes” (Jas 4:14). In those last days I spent with Dad, I was prompted to consider how many days I have left. What does my life’s calendar look like? No one knows except God. He knows how many years, days, hours, and seconds I will be on this earth. Even the exact moment that my death will occur. God demonstrated his patience and his love along my journey with Dad, and it was not for nothing. I am freed from the fear of death to fully live the life that God has planned for me. No matter what life demands, I can enjoy an intimate walk with the One involved in each minor detail of my days (Ps. 139). Even today, I find my place resting in Him. My God knows me. He planned me, made me, and watched over me. He can steer me back on track when I wander. He alone sustains me. He gives me a heart of wisdom.
So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.
– Psalm 90:12
We cannot control circumstances, but we can control how we respond to them. We can control whether an experience makes us a wiser person, having learned biblical life lessons, or a resentful, self-focused person. God works in our life circumstances. He works in the mundane and ordinary days of the person caring for a loved one.
Although my journey with Dad had ended, another trip was about to begin. As God would see fit, my new season would start with a seminary course in the early summer of 2016. Then, in the fall, I continued my training in biblical counseling and Christian ministry. I praise God for growing me and giving me an eternal perspective. And because He is not done with me, I thank him for what He has yet to do.
while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
– 2 Cor 4:18
Maybe you are wrestling with a hard season of life that is stirring questions. Where do you turn for truth when life lacks a sense of meaning? Where are you looking for wisdom when burdens are heavy and the days are long? It can be as easy as drawing strength from the voice of God, the Bible. His truth speaks into life. You can be saved and then walk out that salvation in a manner pleasing to God (Rom 10:9-10, Col 1:10, Gal 5:16-17). God desires that we grasp this simple but vital truth while we still have breath in our lungs and a beat from our hearts.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die;
– John 11:25
I thank you for reading this three-part series Caring for an Aging Parent. If you or someone you know shoulders this responsibility, I hope you gain something helpful or hopeful that you will pass on. I truly believe God works in the details of our stories. May you trust Him to sustain and comfort you in every season of life.
For a closer look at identity, I recommend Identity Theft: Reclaiming the Truth of our Identity in Christ.
For a closer look at my season of formal learning, you can read more here.
Debbie Swindell 